You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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