Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
