I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I could make wine with my vomit
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
my liver is dry heaving
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
