I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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