I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How naked do you want me to be?
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