It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
