A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
