its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
