Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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