Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
