From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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