Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
