Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
