Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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