She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
