they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
