best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
