Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
