My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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