I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
