New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
