So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
