He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
