Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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