Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
