I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
