you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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