Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
