I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
