God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
