Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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