at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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