Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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