Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
