So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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