Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
two words...techno handjob
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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