My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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