Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Houston, we have a blender
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
