i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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