I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
