Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
