Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
barbara walters just said penis...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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