Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
