Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
