you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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