u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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