he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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