Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
