we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
