Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
