Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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